


Feathers Are Meant For The Sky

by Dark_Wings_Of_Imagination



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angts, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-06-03 13:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6611953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Wings_Of_Imagination/pseuds/Dark_Wings_Of_Imagination
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Skye – Daisy - is in front of you, and you follow after, senses on high alert to anything odd. The two of you are at least half way through to the way out when you feel the stinging sensation of a needle in your right arm – you never see, hear or sense anyone coming, which when you think about it later you question yourself on how the hell did this happen.<br/>All you see next is darkness.” </p><p>May's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cause They Say Home Is Where Your Heart Is Set in Stone

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this ever since January and I decided to post this first chapter to see what kind of feedback I'll get. This is the first time I write using the second person narrative, so I'm a bit insecure about it, that's why I decided to post it now, to see what you guys think before finishing it and posting the rest. I'm must be honest and say it will probably take sometime to post the next chapter, but I'll try to do it as soon as I can.  
> It's set in season 3, but only up to episode 10 'Maveth', given I began writing it before it returned from the break. 
> 
> Tittle and chapter titles come from Gabrielle Aplin's 'Home'
> 
> Not beta-ed, all mistakes are mine.
> 
> For Lily. You mean a lot to me. A lot.

You wake up at the crack of the dawn every day, take a cold shower to keep you on alert and once you’re finished you head out to the gym to perform your Tai Chi routine before going for the sand bag. You work out and train until your muscles ache and only then do you get out of the gym. You drink your morning green tea and take a walk through the base to assure everything is fine, that everything is normal. Sometimes it may even feel like it, but you know nothing is normal anymore.

You pass Phil’s office and quarters on your way to the gym every morning and to knock on his door it’s quite tempting and there are days where you get out of bed determined to talk to him, to try and help him – but you don’t. Ever since he came back from that alien planet things between the two of you got from bad to even worse. He never talked to you about Rosalind, and you assume it’s because of Andrew and your prolonged vacation, but you know him well enough to tell he cared about her a lot – a lot more than you wished he did, actually.

You’re okay with giving him space to mourn her death, but you know it’s not just that, something went down at that planet that he refuses to talk about. You try to get anything out of him a few days after his and Fitz’s return but he doesn’t say a word about it. He asks how you’re doing, instead. He asks about how you’re feeling regarding Andrew and everything that’s happened but just like him you don’t answer – because honestly you don’t really know what to say.

Eventually you stop asking and so does he, the two of you now only talk to each other regarding missions and any other professional matters. The only exceptions to this rule is when one or both of you are worried about the rest of the team. Even though those conversations are less formal and strategical it still feels like everything you say it’s measured and calculated and it just really sucks.

Skye – _Daisy,_ you remind yourself even if sometimes is hard to call her that, but unlike Phil you are used to compartmentalize feelings, being so you don't call her Skye anymore, at least not at loud. But every time you call her Daisy a little piece of your heart shatters a bit more because it reminds you of when she chose that woman Jaying, _her mother_ , you force your brain to remember over all of you. – does not join you for training anymore and even though you know she’s just giving you space to process everything that happened you really wished she was pushing you out of your shell – at least this way you wouldn’t have to constantly remind yourself that she’s nothing more than a teammate so it doesn’t feel like she’s giving up on you, like she doesn’t care anymore.

You see her with Lincoln and you’re happy she’s happy, but you really wish you could take the boy and put him in one of the containment pods to tell him if he ever does anything to hurt her intentionally or not, emotionally or physically he would have to answer to you – he would have to answer to “The Cavalry” herself. You want to tell him that Skye – _Daisy_ – it’s one of the best people you know and one of the most important ones in your life, that if something ever happened to her you don’t know what you would do.

You want to make him promise on his own life he will protect her that he’ll do everything he can to keep her happy, that he would rather die than let anything bad happen to her. But you don’t do any of those things, because no matter how you feel you don’t have the right to do or say those things. No matter how you feel, you’re not her mother.

You honestly don’t know what to make of Fitz and Simmons – one minute they’re fine and acting as if nothing had happened, sometimes they even look like those two innocent geniuses you recruited, but then one of them do or say something that the other does not agree with it and all hell breaks loose.

Eventually, though, they calm down and apologize to each other, and even though it does not look like it most of the time you know they’ll overcome this, like they always do, and once they do they’ll get out stronger and most importantly: together.

(It doesn’t mean you don’t feel powerless at watching them argue and hurting each other knowing that anything you can think of doing won’t help because you weren’t with Jemma at that planet that honestly seems it’s more like Hell, nor were you with Leo when she was sucked by that portal. It all only makes you hate yourself for taking that time off. Your team – _your family_ – is falling apart and there’s nothing you can do because when they needed you the most, you weren’t there.)

And as if all of that wasn’t enough to send you spiraling down the rabbit hole there’s the situation with Andrew – or Lash, you don’t even know who he is any more. Not only did he lie to you, killed dozens of innocent inhumans and almost hurt Skye – _Daisy_ – and the rest of the team he’s now on the loose.

There are days where you think you’re actually going to end up breaking and just give everything up, but you refuse to do so. Whatever it is you’re feeling you have to swallow down and deal with it later because right now you have a team that needs you, and you need them more than you will ever be able to express or explain.

…                                                                                                                                                

You have just finished training and are heading to your quarters so you can shower when Phil calls you in his office. He has a mission for you and Skye – _Daisy_. A young inhuman was taken by what he assumed were Hydra agents near the Canadian border.

He shows you the security feed the young hacker came across – apparently the agents were not aware of the street’s security camera – you watch them approach the young boy – he can’t be older than twenty, you guess – and as they try to take him he throws a small fireball at them, however it does not hit any of them. Once having finding out his ability the four men surround him and as he launches on the two in front of him the other two catch him from behind and immediately inject him with some kind of sedative, you imagine.

“It’s a trap” you say once the footage ends.

That earns you an incredulous look from Skye – _Daisy –_ and a small smirk from Phil.

“Yes, it is” Coulson states and that earns him the same look from the hacker. “These men, whether or not are Hydra couldn’t possibly think that exposing themselves at trying to capture an inhuman in the middle of the afternoon was in any way a good plan. Which means something’s up.”

“Okay. So what is that you want us to do?” the younger agent asks and without realizing you and Phil answer at the same time.

“Walk in to the trap”

(You can’t miss the shit-eating grin that Skye – _Daisy_ – shoots the two of you, nor can you ignore the little soar in your heart at the notion that perhaps things between you and Phil are not that bad, or that your relationship with your former trainee is so broken it can’t be repaired. And if you walk out of there to go on prepare the plane you’ll need for this mission with a slight upturn of lips, well, who can blame you?)

…

The two hours plane ride is quiet – and by quiet you mean that anytime you speak your words are formal and cold and you only talk of the details for the mission. Other than that there’s only the mildly whispered words Skye – _Daisy –_ and Lincoln exchange between the two of them.

You wish it could be different – better yet you wish things could go back to the way they were before - for that to happen, though, you need to actually talk to her but you’re not good with words and right in the middle of a mission is not a good time.

You try and listen to their conversation, instead, not because you want to know what it is they’re whispering about but because every now and then he says something that makes her either laugh or just simply smile – and this, knowing that at least she found someone that cares about her and from what it looks like makes her happy, is enough to put you at ease for the time being.

…

“Daisy, I need you to get to the boy and explain to him what’s happening and who we are, we don’t want him throwing fireballs at us out of fear.” You say once you get to the location Hydra took the young man. “Be quick, though. Even with you two here we are still in disadvantage since we don’t know how many of them will be awaiting us”

“Copy that” Daisy nods as she finishes checking if she has everything she needs.

“Lincoln, you come with me to give Daisy cover.” He agrees as well and once you all are ready the three of you go into the warehouse.

…

You’re almost out of the building when you hear heavy footsteps going down your way, and Skye’s - _Daisy’s_ \- quiet ‘shit’. Sooner than you would have liked you and your protégé are facing four to six men – in the haze of the fight you didn’t really bothered with counting – twice your size – not that it has ever been an actual issue to you – and very skilled – now, that is an issue worth worrying about.

You and the girl take on the men whilst Lincoln takes the boy to safety. You barely register the two young inhumans running out of the building in the haste of the fight but when you hear Lincoln’s voice through your coms telling you they reached the plane you are relieved – one less problem.

Skilled as the men are you and Skye – _Daisy_ \- are much more of a team together – that and the fact they pretty much underestimated the two of you, a mistake really – therefore, you manage to control the situation.

Being still inside the facility, though, it’s not a good option and so as soon as both you make sure that any of the six men – with their bodies on the floor counting is really much easier – won’t be able to follow you two out, Skye – _Daisy_ \- and you get the hell out of there as fast as possible.

Skye _– Daisy_ \- is in front of you, and you follow after, senses on high alert to anything odd. The two of you are at least half way through to the way out when you feel the stinging sensation of a needle in your right arm – you never see, hear or sense anyone coming, which when you think about it later you question yourself on how the hell did this happen.

All you see next is darkness.

 


	2. Is Where You Go When You're Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Instead of causing hallucinations the sedative May was injected with jumpstarts some memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want thank you everyone who read, commented, followed and left kudos on this! When I posted it I honestly thought I wouldn't get much feedback, if any at all, and it made me extremely happy to know you all liked this so much!   
> I'm sorry for the delay, but here it is the second chapter - once again I will warn the next chapter may take some while as it is in progress but as soon as is read I'll post it. I hope you like this one.

 

**Chapter 2 - Is Where You Go When You’re Alone**

It begins with you and Phil. That’s how your adult life and your life in S.H.I.E.L.D starts. You both hit off right on day one – you meet on the parking lot, your dad had just dropped you off since your mother was away on a mission, while his mother was the one who drove him, you watch him say goodbye to his mother and then to the car, and even though you find that a bit pathetic you don’t roll your eyes at it, especially because as soon as he sees you he extends his hand to introduce himself, you never had many friends but he could be one. - And as the days turn into weeks and those into months and months into years you two become inseparable. You partner up in every training, test and exam possible and spend the rest of the day together as well – alternating between studying, talking and doing any other thing that may come to your minds.

He’s your best friend and you’re his and somewhere down the line you just can’t seem to imagine your life without him in it and that is probably when you realize that you fell in love with him.

How cliché of you, you think, to fall for your best friend, but then you look at a photograph of you two together and the sight of his smile you wonder how it didn’t happen sooner – he’s a good agent and an even better man. He knows when to listen and when to speak up, he wears his heart on a sleeve and fights for what he thinks is right and for what matters most to him. He’s polite and kind and so sweet you almost forget he’s a secret agent trained to kill.

He takes care of you and you of him. You both make sure the other is eating and hydrating when stressful times come around. When you have a bad day he makes you a cup of tea and sits quietly by your side, some days you tell him what’s bothering you some days you don’t either way he stays until you end up fallings asleep against each other. When he has a bad day you hand him the keys to Lola and slips into the passenger’s seat and let him drive to wherever he wants to, most of times he drives you to the nearby beach and you two just sit in the car eating junk food and talking about anything at all after he finishes venting, you stay long enough to enjoy each other’s company and the peaceful sound of the waves before he drives you back to the academy.

You both graduate from the Academy with honors and you continue being partnered up with each other on missions and the two of you are more than happy when it happens because there’s no one you trust more than one another.

It begins with you and Phil. It changes when you meet Andrew. You have just come back from a mission when you two meet – he got lost in the Hub and askes you where he could find Agent Burns’ office, you point him into the right direction and he thanks you before leaving. You bump into him a couple more times before being properly introduced to each other.

Andrew is a psychiatrist – a good one, you notice, since he was hired by S.H.I.E.L.D. He’s handsome, kind, gentle, respectful and really sweet – trades you later realize he shares with Phil. Things with him are easy, comfortable and soon enough you are in relationship with him and when he asks you to marry him you say yes – because even though you’re not in love with him you do love him in a way and you know he loves you back.

(You try not to give much thought to the way Phil’s face falls when you show him the ring on your finger and tell him about the proposal. He congratulates you and knowing him like only you do, you know he’s trying really hard not to say whatever is he actually wants to say, but you don’t dig into it, because he’s Phil, your best friend and nothing more. You love him and he loves you, you’re well aware of that, however you love each other in very different ways and so whatever it is you thought you saw on his face you dismiss, blaming it on your sleep deprived brain)

For a few years it’s you and you’re Mrs. Andrew Garner. Phil still comes around, your friendship doesn’t really change, except for the fact that when you’re not away on a mission with him you’re at home with your husband. You’re happy – even if on some nights, especially on those when you just came home after a mission, you just can’t help but imagine what would be like if you had married Phil instead. It’s something you don’t appreciate crossing your mind, because, really, you think Andrew deserves a little more from you, but it does, and you just can’t fight it when it happens.

You’re happy. You have a job you love, an amazing husband and get to work side by side with your best friend, not every day is a bed of roses, but yes, your life is pretty good and you are more than content with it. But then Bahrain happens and it messes it all up.

You divorce Andrew – after all how could you not? The man wants to start a family, have children with you, and you killed a little girl - and push Phil away, and for far longer than you want to it’s just you.

Sitting in Administration buried in paperwork for the rest of your life it’s not what you thought about when you finished the Academy, but it’s either that or get back on field, and you cannot do the latter, not when you see the little girl’s face every time you close your eyes.

You wake up every morning to go to work and it’s just you. There’s no more May and Coulson or Mr. and Mrs. Garner, and out of both, you admit at least to yourself, is the former you miss the most.

He met a musician, a cellist, he tells you when you run in each other one day at the Hub, and you smile and says you’re happy for him, and you know at least you’re trying, but it still feels like someone punched you in the stomach at the way he smiles while telling you about her. You part ways with a goodbye and a promise from you to call. You never do.

Two months later, however, your cell phone rang and you saw Maria Hill’s name on the ID caller you feel your gut twist uncomfortably and instantly you know something is not right.

“May” you answer, trying to mask the dread you feel.

“Melinda, are you at home? I need to talk to you” Maria says, and just by her calling you Melinda you know it is personal; you know right then and there it is about Coulson.

“Yes, I am” you respond immediately.

“Alright, I’ll be there in twenty minutes” Hill tells you and you don’t think you’ve ever dreaded a visit from her so much.

Exact twenty minutes later your doorbell rings and when you open the door she’s there clad in her S.H.I.E.L.D uniform looking every bit the extraordinary agent and commander you know she is, but her eyes betray her and without a word you let her in your apartment.

You both sit on your couch and before she has the chance to speak you ask “It’s Phil, isn’t it?”

Maria nods solemnly; her expression tells you that something bad happened and you feel your hands starting to shake slightly, she must have noticed too, for she takes your hands in hers and with the uttermost caring in the world she says to you what you’ve dreaded to hear in the past twenty five years or so of your life.

“Melinda, I’m sorry to have to say this to you, but Phil, uhm… he died earlier today”

“No” you say shaking your head in hopes this is a nightmare and you’ll wake up, but it’s not and you know, and the lump in your throat finally gives way to a sob to make its way out and the tears on your eyes come down freely and without you even noticing Maria has enveloped you in her arms in an attempt to comfort you.

You allow yourself to cry on your former student’s shoulder and she does nothing but hold you in silence, and you’re grateful she hasn’t tried to soothe you with empty words – you should have expected though, you were her supervising officer, she learned very soon how much you hated sugar coating or meaningless words or expressions of praise, or comfort for that matter.

You cry until you’re pretty sure you cannot anymore and somehow you end up falling asleep out of emotional draining on the younger woman, and she leaves after making sure you were comfortable – as comfortable as one could be on a couch, that is, but you appreciate her effort none the less.

She comes back the next morning and makes you tea while telling you what exactly happened. You both drink your tea, and when you’re finished she puts the cups in the sink and tells you his funeral will be held in the afternoon. She asks you if you want to go and even though you’re almost certain you may not be able to handle you nod your head yes.

Hill stays with you until it’s time for you to leave. She makes sure you eat something, even though it’s just a couple of crackers and another cup of chamomile tea, but it’s all your stomach can handle and it’s better than nothing. She drives you to the cemetery and sits beside you through the whole service.

The casket is open and you don’t know whether or not to be thankful for that because knowing that will be the last time you’ll ever see him makes your heart break even more. Still, you make your way to the casket and whispers “I should’ve been there with you” and “I’m so sorry I pushed you away” and “I love you”.

You go back to your place and when they begin to lower the casket your heart constricts and for a moment you forget how to breathe. It’s physically painful to watch him being buried and Maria’s hand on your shoulder only reminds you of how comforting a simple brush of fingers from Phil could be.

You’re leaving, your former student right behind you, when you hear someone call your name. A woman, and even though you’ve never seen her before, at the moment you know exactly who she is.

“Melinda?” she calls uncertainly.

“Yes?” you answer, turning away to face her, and you know who she is because you can see the pain you feel mirrored in her eyes - the pain of burying the man you love.

“I’m Audrey Nathan, I was Phil’s…” she hesitates clearly uncertain as to what exactly they were, and for a split of second hope flutters in your heart – the hope of them not being anything grand or anything at all – but as quick as it comes it goes because one look at where you are and you’re reminded the only reason you two are having this conversation it’s because he’s dead and you both went to bid your last goodbyes.

“I know” you say and she looks at you gratefully.

“I was not sure you would come, but I hoped you would. He talked about you so much and so highly.” Audrey begins and the bittersweet smile she flashes at you, probably remembering the talks they had, made more tears gather up in your eyes.” You meant a lot to him, and I honestly wished we would’ve met in different circumstances.  Still, it’s an honor to meet the woman who kept him safe for so many years”

You can only nod at her words and offer her a tight smile and a slight trembling hand which she takes and holds between her own, you can’t speak, because you know if you open your mouth the only sound that’ll come out will be your sobs – for you should’ve been there to keep him safe once again, you think.

Somehow in the silence between the two of you there’s an unspoken understanding and an unspoken appreciation for each other’s roles on his life. Both of you loved and cared for him in your own ways, and at least for the moment it is enough to calm the voices in your head a little.

“It’s good to meet you too, Audrey” you say and you both leave with a single goodbye.

Maria drives you back home and you take a hot shower before collapsing on your bed. The younger woman walks you to your door and promises to come back the next day to check on you and you know that is her way of saying she’s there no matter what.       

She does go back the next day and the other and the other and every day during the entire week. For the first time in your life you don’t wish to set foot inside a S.H.I.E.L.D building – it hurts too much. To you Phil had always been everything that the agency stands for and going to work knowing that he’ll never be there again it just shatters you.

You spent most of your time in your bedroom – you cry before sleeping and you cry once you wake up and when you awaken you just feel empty, numb. You only leave your bed to use the bathroom, and only eat when Maria comes and makes you. It goes this way for an entire week, and just when you came to the conclusion that’s probably the way you would spend the rest of your life, things change.

On the eighth day since he’s been dead, the commander goes to you saying that Director Fury needs you – you don’t really want to go, but he’s still your superior and you have to obey his orders.

You’re taken to a S.H.I.E.L.D medical facility and when you reach Fury he’s looking through the window of a medical pod. A medical pod with no one other than Phil Coulson in it. The steady beeps of the heart monitor indicating he’s alive.

You cannot believe your eyes and when you turn to ask Fury what the hell is happening the director just says “Tahiti” and you stand still confused about everything, but Nick promises to explain everything and when he does you sit quietly and listen.

The director asks you more than orders you to take on a mission and you’re ready to politely deny the offer when he elaborates further and tells you that the mission is Coulson – you must take care of him, and to help you with that a small team will be assembled – and report any and every single thing to Fury himself.

The only answer you could possibly give is yes and after both of you settle on the last details you ask if you could have a few moments alone with Phil before going home. He allows you to and when you enter the pod is too hard to keep your tears at bay so you don’t.

You carefully caress his face, tracing your fingers over his forehead, his eyebrows, his nose and his lips – lips you had never got the chance to kiss but so desperately wanted to right now. Your right hand comes to rest at his cheek while your left is entwined in his right hand.

As you stand there beside him there are many things you wish you could say, but the only coherent thought that leaves your lips is ‘I love you’ and you’re okay with it because he cannot hear you – even though a part pf you wished he did.

You lean down to kiss his forehead before leaving – you’re tempted to kiss his lips too, but you refrain of doing so, you want him to be awaken when and if it ever happens – and when you find the strength to leave his side you do so with a heavy heart. You go home with the feeling of his skin and a promise of Fury that soon enough he’ll be back.

You dream of Phil when you finally fall asleep – his arms around you as you breathe in his scent and sinks further in his embrace, the small tingling on your forehead where he kisses you lightly, the softness in which he says your name before leaning down to kiss your lips – you dream of him and the happiness of being around and with him.

When you wake up it’s the first time you smile in quite some time because even though none of the dream was real, at least, you had your best friend back.

…                                                                                          

You don’t want to go back into the field – _you can’t_ – but when Fury tells you he needs you to look after Coulson you say yes before he can even explain the mission – when he does you try not to show you’re probably about to be sick after hearing that if anything goes wrong you’ll have to take Phil down.

You process everything he tells you and after you once more agree to do it he hands you the files of the agents he thought you might approve of. You take the files home with you, study each one pf them thoroughly and by morning you already have picked the three agents you think fit best the profiles.

You call Maria and tell her the names of the ones you chose, “Ward, Fitz and Simmons”

“I figured you would choose them” the younger woman says and you can almost _hear_ the grin on her face, before she hangs up.

 _“The woman is insufferable”,_ you think with the slightest upturn of lips before going back to the paperwork that needs you – apparently assembling a new team for your undead best friend takes up a lot of paper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading in it!


	3. Is Where You Go to Rest Your Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not an author's note anymore... Finally! Here's the third chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't posted anything of this lately, but it's because my computer broke down and I honestly can't type on the cell phone - actually I really shouldn't type too much on the computer either, but since a cell phone's keyboard is smaller it makes it worse for me. So, I got a computer and I'm back to writing, however slowly - for several reasons, most of them being familly matters - so I can't promise regular updates, but unless something really big happens I can promise it won't take me as long as it took to post this chapter.  
> Hope you don't give up on reading this. Thank you so much all of you who read it, commented and followed.
> 
> Xoxo
> 
> Dark Wings...

**Chapter 3 - Is Where You Go to Rest Your Bones**

You love Philip Coulson, you really do, but sometimes you just hate the man. He is the only one who could make you go back into the field when you don’t want to – but really, how could you keep an eye on him and save his ass – because this is pretty much your job on this new team – when he was out there and you were stuck inside the plane or taking care of the science twins and the hacker?

So you ask him clearance for combat which he grants you immediately. You think that maybe with you, Coulson and Ward it will be enough to keep yourselves and the rest of the team safe – but you forget you can’t protect everyone all the time.

Skye betrays you by sharing Intel with her boyfriend and fellow Rising Tide hacker Miles – she says she is sorry and you even understand why she did it, she really had no one else but him before Coulson and Ward got to her – and you wish you and the rest of the team were not so attached to each other already so it wouldn’t affect you all that much – but you are, and even though you hide under your stone cold façade you do admit at least to yourself it stung quite a bit to know she was going behind your backs.

Simmons gets infected by an alien virus. She only has two hours left and landing will take three. The biochemist tries twice the anti-serum she prepared and fails, she is ready to give up but Fitz is not and so takes upon himself to help her, even if it means him getting infected – and you can’t help but be reminded of a younger you and Phil. They work together for what it feels like eternity - you are past wishing you didn’t care so much about any of them; so you just watch and hope everything will work out in the end – and when the third try doesn’t work none of you know really what to do, so when she asks for a moment alone with Leo you all but grant her so. You just did not count on her jumping out of the plane to save you all – thankfully, Ward catches her before she could fall in the water and gives her the anti-serum she and Fitz worked on.  When you see Jemma alive and well it takes a great deal of your self-control not to hug her.

You find Phil still in his office just after watching Simmons and Ward leave it. You catch him looking at his medical reports and you try to ignore the fear sitting within you – the fear of him finding out what really happened to him, the fear of him hating you for having helped bring him back.

You settle for asking him about Simmons instead, and when he tells you one would never know she almost died he meets your eyes, and you know what he’s implying, but you can’t give in, so you just say that experiences such as that takes a while to sink in.

There’s a brief moment of silence before you mention the reports – because, honestly, if something was wrong you’d want to know, you need to know – and when he answers that everything is fine you almost let out a sigh of relief, but you don’t thanks to your dork of a best friend that had to make an Iron Man joke regarding the fact he was and you quote ‘a little heavy on the iron. But don’t worry you don’t need to start calling me Iron Man”

“Wasn’t planning on it” You answer and he smiles at you, but you know the matter it’s not over and that jokes aside something is bothering him deeply.

He tells you his doctors never requested any tests and that he ordered that himself – at his anguished expression you wish to tell him everything you know, but you can’t and you have to remind yourself it is for his own good.

He says he feels different and you understand and even though there’s not much you can say to help answer his questions you try and offer comfort the best way you can – words were never your strong suit, but for Philip Coulson there’s a lot you would do.

“Take off your shirt” you say and the way he looks at you it’s almost comical.                 

“Excuse me” he says, clearly unsure to what is happening.                                   

“Your shirt. Unbutton it” you ask again and when he sees how serious you are he do as you ask.

The sight of his scar makes you feel like is almost too much to bear, but you swallow the lump in your throat and force the words out – however affected by his death you may be doesn’t matter when he’s looking at you like you might be the only person on the universe able to answer all of his questions.

“Whether it was eight seconds or forty you died. There’s no way you can go trauma like that and not come out of it changed.” You say and it takes everything in you not to break down in front of him right now, and so in an attempt to hide the effects of his ‘short death’ you mention Bahrain.  “You know how long it’s taken me to…”

“I know” he answers and the way his expression darkens reminds you of the fact that on the day you killed that girl you not only lost yourself but Phil also lost his best friend there.

“The point of these things is to remind us there’s no going back. There’s only moving forward” you say going back to the matter at hand. “You feel different, because you are different”

You button his shirt and walks out, because as strong as you may be you cannot take any more of this right now. You go into the cockpit and stares at the night sky as you fly the plane, when you do allow yourself to get a few moments of sleep it’s only to have Katia and a dead Phil hunting your dreams.

…

Ward and Fitz go on a mission – that you later realize is pretty much a suicide mission – and almost get themselves killed – not to mention the fact that there was no extraction planed, which makes you want to kill Victoria Hand and at the same time feel extremely proud of Skye and Jemma – and yes, you do know they broke the rules, and no, you don’t give much of a damn.

You screw Ward and it is just sexual release, after the day you all had, you could use some liquor and physical comfort. It doesn’t mean anything other than what it is and if you are honest with yourself as handsome, sexy and young – and actually good in bed – as Ward can be you really wish it were Phil with you instead.

…

The team’s next mission involves a young engineer named Hannah Hutchins that after the Particle Accelerator Complex she worked in exploded and killed four of her colleagues dangerous situations have been happening around her – like a gas station blowing up, for example.

Phil chooses you and Ward to go with him to talk to the woman – a Welcome Wagon in a sort of way – while Fitz and Simmons scan the Complex the best they can for information on what caused the explosion. Skye asks to go with him, but Phil denies her request saying it’s a delicate situation.

“It’s a delicate situation, so you’re bringing along Warm and Fuzzy?” Skye asks and the sarcasm earns her your best glare – you just can’t show her how it stung to hear her talk like that.

The initial contact doesn’t go as smooth as you all wished and when things start to get out of hand you shoot the engineer with an Icer before matters get worse.

Back on the bus Phil wants you in the cage with him to talk to girl, says that for her to believe anything any of you say she needs to know that you’re not hiding anything from her, which means you explaining the situation, when Ward questions what if it doesn’t work, what if it makes her more agitated, you can’t help but look at Phil when you answer.

“Then he definitely wants me in there”

Phil knows what you’re thinking, he knows you too well, but he doesn’t comment on it, he just says ‘Pretty much’ in retort to your statement and goes lose his tie.

You know he wants you there for professional reasons; he wants you there because he knows you’re the most capacitated one to contain any possible threat she might pose as. However it does not mean it doesn’t hurt to be seen as The Cavalry by your best friend.

Skye looks at you with clear disgust and the she way she talks to you, all after you shot Hannah with that Icer, hurts more than you imagined it could – you were never the best of friends, and you were always very clear about not wanting her on the plane and/or missions on the first few months, but she stayed, she settled in and once you realized she was not leaving (not even after that whole Miles and The Rising Tide fiasco) it was hard not to begin to care for her.

What Skye doesn’t understand us that all you’re trying to do is protecting them; because the truth is that you cannot lose them – any of them.

You catch a part a brief part of Skye’s conversation with Hannah and you really wish Skye’s words didn’t get to you as much they did. Before you can change your mind, you interrupt and say you’ll stand guard. Coulson needs her help to try and repair the plane’s systems.

She tries to protest but once you say it’s an order she relents albeit reluctantly.

“Try not to hurt her  any more than you already did, Agent May” her words cut like a knife and the look she gives you break you inside, and you realize that she’s already formed her opinion on you and there’s nothing you can do to try and change it, but that’s probably for the best, you think. The more she despises you, the easier it is to push her away.

You take Hannah out of the plane once you are informed that the ‘ghost’ is after her and when she asks you what you are going to do you just say you’re going to fix the problem. You use her as a bait to draw him out, away from your people. And you’ll do whatever you have to. You fight Tobias as the skilled fighter you are, and if you punch a little harder than necessary, well, he did try to kill you and your teammates.

It takes you long enough but when you realize what is actually happening it becomes very clear what you have to do, the words you need to say.

All the things Tobias did was because he was trying to protect her, and so now you understand why he almost killed you – he’s not forgiven, but you understand his motives.

“Let the girl go”, you repeat the words Phil said to you five years ago and after pleading once more he goes away.

When Phil asks you what you said to him you answer him bitterly, “The same words you said to me in Bahrain”

The hurt is evident on your face but he doesn’t say anything about it, he knows better than that.

After everything’s over and you’re finishing preparing for takeoff, Skye enters the cockpit and asks you if you mind if she keeps you company. You don’t answer, because you don’t really know what to say – you don’t want to say no and drive her away even more but you don’t also don’t want to say yes and allow yourself any more vulnerability towards her.

However she takes your silence as a yes, and you’re more than happy she did. You try not to smile at the look on her face when the plane begins to ascend towards the sky. Her presence is more than welcomed and when she leaves, you allow yourself one tiny smile.

You pull a prank on Fitz later that night, and as you listen to him accuse the others and get laughed at you smile fully, and realize that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t lose all of yourself that day in Bahrain.

…

You confront Ward about the punch he took for you and he says it was just a tactical measure and after he explains why you do see it was the best way out. You say it was your mistake, but he does not take your comment well – and it’s probably because you scolded him like he was some rookie – and you can see it in his face and hear it in his voice, especially when he says ‘Don’t flatter yourself’

You don’t respond but it does wound your pride – and a bit more than that. You can’t say it’s because you love him, you can’t even say it’s because you like him because you don’t, to you all that he is it’s a form of release, however the disdain in his voice makes you angry at yourself for even thinking he may care.

As if what just passed wasn’t enough Skye appears behind right after Ward left and in the haze of your mess of emotions and because you don’t think you can deal with the girl right now you ask her if it’s about that damned drive – she says no. You end up lashing out on her even if you know she does not deserve it – she just wants to find her parents but Phil says the two of need to protect her from the truth and if to do so you need to turn into something she’ll hate even more than she already did you’ll do, even if it hurts you more than you care to admit.

…

The girl in the flower dress – Rayna – contacts Mike Peterson and tells him she has his son. You prepare an extraction mission to retrieve the boy and keep the super soldier safe, but when he tells you he wants Coulson to escort him to make the trade all of the alarms in your head go off.

Once you get to the bridge where the trade is to happen you try to convince Phil to let you escort the other man, but he says no. When you say you don’t like any of that he smirks at you and says there would be something wrong with you if you did.

You stay in the car with Skye, Simmons and Fitz while Ward it’s in position to fire as you watch Phil escort Mike. You lose sight of him soon, and that does not sit well with you but you remind yourself that from Ward’s position on the roof he can see everything that’s happening and it’s there to intervene in case it’s needed.

When you hear Ward say they took Coulson, though, it takes everything in you not to panic – you can’t afford to when Phil’s life is in danger. You contact HQ but before they can offer any kind of back up you watch in horror as a part of the bridge blows up at very place Mike is in, your eyes search for any sign of Phil but as soon as the flames of the first explosion die down the car they took Coulson to goes up in flames also and you think that now you lost him for good – and just when you’ve barely got him back.

Once the helicopter appears on your line of vision your desolation is taken over by your anger and you promise yourself and Phil that these people will regret ever laying their hands on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. Reviews and comments make my day a lot better. Construtive criticism is accepted - and since second person POV is still new territorry for me - very much welcomed. Thank you all for reading it!
> 
> Xoxo
> 
> Dark Wings...


	4. It's Not Just Where You Lay Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't posted anything of this lately, but I've been having family problems - my parents broke up they weren't legally married, but lived together for 20 years, and my father didn't take it very well, and so my problems began, I won't bother you guys with the details, but I'm telling you this so you can understand why I didn't post anything ever since the last chapter, I didn't post because I haven't been able to write, and that's because of my parents’ break up, like I said my dad didn't took it very well so I was always worried something bad would happen so I didn't have much room for writing, but now things are better Thank God and I'm slowly writing again.  
> It may take a little while, but a chapter will be here as soon as possible, and if you see one shots around here before the chapter, please, don't kill me, I haven't written in what feels like forever so I'll be giving into my muse a bit, so as not to get too rusty.
> 
> I can't promise regular updates, but unless something really big happens I can promise it won't take me as long as it took to post this chapter.
> 
> Hope you don't give up on reading this. Thank you so much all of you who read it, commented and followed.
> 
> Xoxo 
> 
> Dark Wings...

 

You wake up feeling groggy and sore – and with a few flashes of memories of your first years at S.H.I.E.L.D. up to when Phil died dancing through your brain; whatever it was they injected in you, instead of causing hallucinations, like some sedatives can, it triggered these memories - and to the voice of someone calling you, and once you’re alert enough you look for the source of the sound and you see Skye – _Daisy_ – sitting at the other side of the room.

You want to run to her and check her out, reassure yourself that she’s alright, but when you try to move your hands is only to find they’re tied up behind the chair you are sat. You notice then, the girl is too tied up.

“May! Thank God” Skye – _Daisy_ – exclaims once she sees you’re awake and her relief at seeing you alive is obvious. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. You?” you ask her and she nods affirmatively and honestly you wish you could see it for yourself but for now her word is going to be enough.

You scan the room, but besides you and Skye – _Daisy_ – there’s nothing, no one else.

 “What do you think they want with us?” the young agent asks you and only after she questions is that you begin to wonder the same – you were too worried about your protégé at first to think about anything else, surely a sign of weakness that you should learn to control while out in the field, but when it comes to her and Phil you can’t be objective, tactical, impartial or impersonal, not when they mean the world to you.

“I have no idea. Got any theories?” you ask her, if only because you miss talking to her – meaning she talks and you listen, adding something here and there every once in a while.

“Who knows? Maybe they want the keys to Lola and thought the best way to get it would be by kidnapping us.” She says in attempt to lighten the mood and you smile that tight lipped smile of yours that lets her know you appreciated her joke, before she says more seriously “I don’t know, but whatever it is, it can’t be good, otherwise we wouldn’t have been drugged and tied up”

“Agree” you say and your eyes fall to your own tied up feet, you look up abruptly locking eyes with Skye – _Daisy –_ when a thought crosses your mind and you ask, “Can you untie these?”

Her face falls as nods her head negatively and says “I’ve tried, but whatever it is they drugged us with it must have shut down my powers, either that or this room is doing that”

She looks so disappointed in herself like it’s her fault both you can’t get out, and knowing her she probably is thinking exactly that. ‘ _This just won’t do, I won’t have my kid beating herself up because of the motherfuckers who locked us here’_ you think as you see her eyes burn with unshed tears – you ignore the fact you referred to her as your kid, while usually you don’t allow this kind of thoughts to even cross your minds, sometimes they just slip, and sometimes you let it.

“Daisy” you call her and it’s a good thing she doesn’t notice how hard it is for you to call her that, when she looks at you, you continue “Listen to me, none of this is your fault, okay? We all knew this mission was a trap, we just need to know why, and we will and when we find out we’ll get the hell out of here, powers or no powers, got it?”

She nods her head yes and by the looks of it your words seem to have gone through her. You’re glad. Otherwise you would have to beat up the guys who took you not only for putting her in physical danger but also for making her think less of herself.

“I’m sorry” Skye – _Daisy_ – says after a few moments of silence.

“It’s –“ you begin but she cuts you off.

“Not about this.” She says firmly and you are a little confused by it before she elaborates” About what happened in Afterlife.”  You know now what she’s talking about, she takes a breath, and you see how troubled she is by the memory,  you are too, and you’re about to cut her off when she speaks again ‘I’m sorry I threw you across the patio, you were trying to help me, even after I abandoned all of you, and I was blinded by the illusion of having my parents, of having a family that I didn’t see I already had those and instead turned my back on you.”

Your heart aches when the moment she’s talking about is replayed in your mind, to think the girl you loved as a daughter could turn against you hurt more than you can say, but even with the memory fresh on your brain you pay attention to her every word and you don’t try to interrupt anymore, not when she looks like she might fall apart if she doesn’t get it out of her chest, not when her eyes are pleading you to forgive her, little did she know, you already forgave her, you did that the moment  you realized she didn’t really know her biological parents were psychopaths.

 Your hearts soars when you hear her saying she already had a family, she already had parents, because you know she’s talking about the team, because you know she’s talking about you and Phil, because even when you told yourself you weren’t her mother she did see you as such, and that almost makes you smile, but you see how sad she is and it takes a moment to fully understand why, when you do though, it really makes you wish you were able to untie yourself and just envelope her in your arms, the way you know she likes, the way you know she wishes you’d do more often.

“I know I shouldn’t be talking about this here, while we’re on a mission – or at least trapped in one – but our lives are weird and we’re always in danger and I don’t know when I’ll ever get the chance or guts to bring it up again, so yeah, sorry about that too, I know you don’t like this, you don’t have to say anything I just wanted you to know it” she says and bows her head trying to hide her face in her hair in embarrassment at being this vulnerable and you know what she’s thinking of herself – that she’s an adult, a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, not a scared little orphan anymore, that she shouldn’t refer to you as family because you’re all strangers that only ended up together because your best friend died, and that she’s broken beyond repair and that by saying she’s sorry she’s trying to fix one of her too many fuck ups.

“You didn’t lose any of us, Sk- _Daisy,_ we’re still your family, no matter what” you say, kicking yourself for your slip, which of course she notices, she doesn’t mention it, but the small amused smile she gives you is enough. “What happened that day it’s over, you didn’t know, you _couldn’t_ know what she was planning. It’s not your fault, okay? It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Got it?”

You reassure her and even though you know she’s doing this just humor you for now she nods her head yes, and you’re glad, she may not believe it now,  but she will one day, you’ll make sure of that.

‘I love you’ is on the tip of your tongue, even if you don’t do well with words; never know how to really express yourself through them, and these three words they scare you more than facing death itself – after all you do face it on a daily basis. You can count on one hand the amount of people who you said them to -  your mother, you were tree years old and stumbled a bit on the words but she didn’t seem to care about that, she just smiled a watery smile at you before saying she loved you back (that was the first time you hear your mother saying she loved you, after that, there were other times you expressed the sentiment towards your mother, but none was as emotionally rewarding as that one); your father,  who never tucked you in without saying he loved you, and you always said it back; Andrew, it took you him proposing for you to finally say it to him, but he was understanding of the fact you had a hard time saying it, it was perfectly normal, or so he told you; Phil, who was probably the only person after your father that made so easy to say it, but also like your mother he made it so difficult, and you knew it was because it would be easy if you only meant it as friend, and you did mean it as a friend, but that was only half truth, that’s why the first time you tell him he is passed out from exhaustion, his head on your lap as he fell asleep watching ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ with you.

It’s truth you don’t usually say them, not so easily and not without being sure about saying it, but Skye – because for the moment that’s who she is, Skye, _your_ Skye – deserves to hear them from you, she deserves to know she means the world to you, she deserves to know that you do love her, love her enough to kill and die for her, love her more than you ever loved anyone else in your life – and you’ve loved Phil Coulson long before she was even born.

You’re about to say it when the door opens and Gideon Mallick appears.

“What a lovely talk. I’m touched” he says clapping his hands in mocking.

You see Skye – _Daisy –_ visibly tense at his presence and you too are unsettled by him, especially since both you and the young girl have no means to defend yourselves.

“As much as I loved this episode of ‘Days of Our Lives’” he continues once more mocking both you and your protégé – _if only I could punch his face. “_ I would really like to get some answers”

Both you and Skye – _Daisy –_ remain silent as he looks at both of you expectantly, as if waiting for one of you to ask what he wants. _Idiot._

“Okay, I’m going to ask anyway” he eventually says after he gets no reaction out of the two of you, “I want the Index files. My agents haven’t been able to hack into your files, congratulations by the way” he says turning to Skye – _Daisy –_ as he falsely praises her working skills, “Which leaves me no option but to outright ask you for them” he finishes, a damn smirk playing on his mouth and it just made you wish to punch him even more.

“You really think I’m going to hand you them?” Skye – and she’s every bit the sassy hacker that stepped in the Bus three years ago – asks him, a humorless laugh making its way past her lips.  

“Oh, I’m sure you will” he says, that damned irritating smirk in place as his eyesight falls on you and you begin to imagine just what he’s prepared.

Soon his agents – scumbags, really – come inside the room and position themselves near the youngest agent, and with nod of head from Mallick they untie her from the chair only to sedate her once she’s standing, the powerful sedative knocks her out immediately and one of the agents throws her over his shoulder – fireman style – and they exit the room.

Panic seeps through you, and you try to calm yourself before you begin to hyperventilate, you’ll be of no help for Skye – you’re too scared to remember her other name – if you’re having a panic attack, _I’m no help tied up in this chair, either,_   but if you at least can think clearly you may be able to do something.  

 

So you practice the breathing exercises you go through every morning with the very reason of why you need them now and try to calm yourself. It’s working until one of the walls lift and glass appears.

The moment you see Skye – _Daisy_ – on the other side of the glass you instantly know what’s in store for you, whatever it is they want you’ll give them if it means they won’t lay a finger on the girl – you don’t care that that it’s outright showing your biggest weakness you only care about keeping her safe.

She’s slowly waking up from the sedative, and you guess they must have given her something to wake her, but once she takes in surroundings and her eyes meet yours through the glass, you see she’s just as scared as you are.

No one speaks, Mallick doesn’t try to ask for the files again nor tries to negotiate it, but they don’t also hurt Skye – _Daisy_ – which you’re grateful for, no instead they decide to hurt you.

You maintain eye contact with Skye the entire time, and you try to convey just how much she means to you. And then suddenly you have to avert your gaze because white hot pain is searing through your veins and you’re wondering where the hell it came from?

At first it’s only a tingling on your skin and it doesn’t hurt at all, but then all of sudden you feel like there are multiple knives going through and tearing you up, it’s only then you realize they’re doing this because they think that by hurting you the younger inhuman will talk, and it’s almost proven right – you see in her eyes that she’s about to give in, that seeing you in pain is killing her - but before she can say anything you speak “Skye, don’t say anything or do anything they ask you, no matter what they do to me. I can handle it, just don’t say anything” you say through gritted teeth.

You see the horror in your protégé’s face, you see the fear she feels for you, the pain of having to see you go through this, and if you’re honest you’re also afraid for both of your lives and you ache inside for knowing the kind of pain she’s feeling. But she listens to you and obeys you even though you can see she’s breaking and the tears spill from her eyes at their own accord. You hate yourself for doing this to her, but it’s needed. So, you swallow your feelings down, and put on the best façade you can come up with, for Skye.

You take as much as you can without a single grunt, but the pain is too much and eventually you go out of consciousness.

Skye’s tear stained face is the last thing you see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much all of you who read it, commented and followed.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all liked. Comments are very much appreciated. Thanks for reading it!


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